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Ever since I once wrote an article on how to tell the difference between addictive love and genuine love (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pamela-dussault/feeling-trapped-and-power_b_2971461.html), I’ve been bombarded with pleas for help to stop the anguish and torment that result from addictive love. This article addresses just that.

A long time ago I felt exactly what a lot of you feel – an addictive, unrequited love. I remember what it was like for me and I learned (the hard way) exactly what I needed to do to move on. It was a tough climb but well worth it since the end result brought me a far greater, more genuine and enduring love. Now I feel blessed to be able to share all the wisdom I gained from that hardship with others.

When you are addicted to someone, you can’t stop thinking about them, desiring and pining to be with them. You eat, sleep, think and breathe them. Your feelings border on obsession. People who have never felt such a strong attraction with another can’t understand these overwhelming feelings you have. Your connection is like none other than you have felt before and you are convinced this person you long to be with is your soul mate. (Note: there is a lot of misunderstanding about soul mates. To read more about this you can download my free ebook at http://www.passagetoinnerjoy.com/UnderstandingSoulmaterelationships.pdf)

So you call, text or write them expressing your despair in the hopes to get them back, but to no avail. Desperate, you turn to counselors, doctors or even prayer – anything to alleviate the pain you feel, and still you feel no relief.

But relief is possible and very much within your reach. Here’s what you have to do to find it:

LET….THEM….GO.

And here’s how you do it:

  • Be willing to trust they aren’t the only one who you are going to love so intensely
  • Be willing to trust there is another soul mate – a better one for you – waiting in the wings
  • Be willing to create a new relationship and start by focusing on the RELATIONSHIP that you want (instead of focusing on the person you want)
  • Be willing to let your desire for your ex be rechanneled into your desire for that new relationship

You see, your willingness is your will-power. And you must use that power to stop your anguish by letting go and trusting in that process. Letting go and trusting that you will not only be okay without that person in your life, but will be even better than okay. Better because you are now free to create exactly what you DO want in a relationship. In other words, use these negative experiences to start looking at how you can create the opposite -which is a deeper, richer, more harmonious and joyful enduring soul connection. Now, I realize that you want all this with your ex. But in order for you to feel better, in order for you to stop feeling so much anguish, torment and pain, you must be willing
to want all that goodness with someone else. Therein lies the answer that you seek.

Pamela’s work with individuals includes one-on-one intuitive counseling, therapeutic body work and more. As a founder of the R.E.A.P. healing method, she has developed specialized healing meditations called “Transmissions” that are designed to assist people with letting go and more to bring about balance and peace. You can read more about these meditations at http://www.passagetoinnerjoy.com/DivineHealingAudioTransmissions.htm

In my opinion, watching someone you love stubbornly resist any help to feel better – whether emotional, physical or psychological – is probably the most frustrating and at the same time, saddest thing to witness. You know the difference between those who really work hard to feel better and those who consistently push away any and all suggestions. It’s not that you want them to do it your way – you just want them try any and every way they can. At one time in my life I was surrounded with people like that. Although it ended up giving me tremendous gifts and experience in healing and helping others, it left me with a bittersweet feeling towards “resisters”.

It’s important to first make a correct distinction about who these people are. “Resisters” are people who hold onto their illness/condition/behavior as a false sense of identity about who they are. They also hold onto it as a false sense of power and security. They often have a very strong ego that won’t allow themselves to be vulnerable or seek help. Whether they are aware of it or not, they like the illness/condition/behavior they have because in addition to that false sense of power and security, it gives them attention through sympathy. Deep within they often harbor incredible resentment and anger – to the point where they expect restitution from everyone in the world. They often opt for the most convenient, if any, method of coping with their problem (i.e. pills, escapism, and addictive substances). Overall, they refuse to really address their problem they, in truth, don’t really want to feel better. This is a huge distinction from someone who acknowledges their issues and searches for ways to feel better.

So, in order to avoid getting caught up in your own resentment towards any “resisters” in your life, there are a few things you can do to feel better yourself:

  • Let go of your attempts to control. This will give you nothing but grief, agony and a lot of sleepless nights. Attempting to control them involves scheming and manipulating – definitely not healthy for them OR you. Attempts at control stem from placing conditions on your own good feelings. You don’t need them to change in order for YOU to feel better. Repeat that. You don’t need them to change in order for YOU to feel better.
  • Be a positive example. I honestly believe this is the best way to be. Show them how much you love looking within and discovering new, wonderful things about yourself and about life. Show them how great you feel and how everything works out for you because you try. You don’t have to rub their faces in it, just be the example – they will notice. And even if this doesn’t inspire them, you’re on a roll!
  • Forgive them. This is one you may have to come back to several times so be patient with yourself. You may know why they do what they do and while it frustrates you, the truth is, they are stuck in a pattern they can’t or won’t get out of. Have compassion – just don’t go to an unhealthy extreme where you enable them either.
  • Consider they are helping you (and others) by being this way. When I realized that what I saw as a curse was really a blessing, I was at peace. “Resisters” are teaching you a great deal and what you learn may eventually be passed on to someone else who is searching for your wisdom and knowledge. Appreciate them for this.
  • Understand they are in their ‘comfort zone’. Think of a child who doesn’t want to go anywhere without their security blanket. You wouldn’t just rip it away from them. You would gradually teach them how they can feel safe and trusting without it. It works the same way with “resisters”. It’s all they know and feel comfortable with.
  • Help others who truly want to change. This can prove to be an incredibly rewarding and healing option for you. When you take the time to share your wisdom and support with those who appreciate it, everyone wins. You can even share your experiences in how wonderful this option is with the “resister”. Who knows, maybe this will inspire them to change.

The people we have in our lives are there for a reason – especially the challenging ones. It’s important to remember that “resisters” are actually good for you in some way so that you may see and appreciate the hidden blessing they have for you. In the meantime, do what you can for you and for others who are looking for your gift. You don’t need the “resister’s” condition to change in order for YOU to feel good, so don’t let them pull you down. Otherwise, you’re no help to anyone, least of all yourself.

Pamela accepts private one-on-one intuitive counseling sessions by phone. You can schedule an appointment with her online by clicking here. For more information on Pamela and her services, please visit http://www.passagetoinnerjoy.com.

 

When I was a victim of emotional and verbal abuse, I used to believe it was all my fault – that somehow I was deserving of the abuse. I believed I must have been seriously defective as a person. Why else would my ex-husband treat me this way? Finally Ily built up my confidence, courage and inner-strength to leave this relationship. I then realized that these beliefs I previously held about myself were actually “in place” long before I became involved with him. I began to accept responsibility for my belief system that led me to choose him as a partner in the first place. This action was incredibly transformative for me. I became far more empowered than I ever thought possible. When I was in the relationship, I accepted responsibility for his abusive actions towards me. Now, I understand that I should have been accepting responsibility for my beliefs about myself and the choices I made based upon them instead.

Once empowered, I was no longer a victim of him or of any situation or circumstance. I was the one in charge. I made the choice and in accepting that, I can make a new one – one that uplifts and supports my true worth and value as a person. Yes, I made mistakes in my past choices due to my old beliefs. Yet, it was because of these mistakes that I learned a great deal about myself, my worth, my value and my deservedness of good in my life. In understanding and accepting this hidden blessing, I was able to completely reverse the curse – moving me out of being a victim and into being a victor.

Here are the 4 steps I followed to reverse the curse:

Accept Responsibility. The only way to stop feeling like you are a victim is to accept responsibility for choosing to be in this situation. On some level, for some reason, you chose to be in it. Maybe because you needed to learn some lesson about yourself (one that would reveal the awesomeness of you – not a punishment). Maybe because you needed to realize how strong you really are. Maybe because you needed to shed some old beliefs and habits you have about yourself that hurt you. Whatever the reason, you still made that choice to be in this situation. You must believe that and accept responsibility for making that choice in order to reverse the curse. Once you accept responsibility for your choices, you open up to new and different perceptions about yourself, the situation and anyone else involved.

Ask Why. I used to tell my clients and students to stop asking, “Why me?” but I realized that this is actually a great way to dive deeper into truly understanding the situation. But don’t ask, “Why is this happening to me?”. Instead ask, “Why is this happening for me?” and “What lesson is being taught to me by this person/situation?”. This will allow for a deeper revelation to occur that will help you understand what it is in you that needs to change in order to reverse the curse.

Trust Yourself. Deep within lies a part of you that is looking to this situation and the person/people involved to show or teach you something – whether it’s about you or about life in general. That part of you needs to be a victim so you can see and learn. This need to be a victim so you may see and learn is based on a lack of trust in yourself. When you have trust in yourself, you release the need to be a victim.

Stop Complaining. Complaining is the most negative-inducing thing you can do and will keep you from reversing the curse every time. When you complain, you are a victim. Period. Think about it. If empowered people accept responsibility for their choices, even if that choice is to be in a horrible situation, they have no need to complain. Instead, their attention and energy will go to the root of the problem by asking why they needed to be in that situation. This will reveal the answer to how they can stop this situation now and also from occurring again.

By following these steps, my life became rich and full with all the goodness I deserve. I know you will find that too. However, there is one saboteur you’ll need to watch out for and that is your ego. Your ego will tell you these steps won’t work. Your ego will tell you to keep your beliefs, to stay being a victim or to resist all efforts to change. Your ego will tell you that you are right and these steps are wrong. Your ego will keep you in a narrow point of view. The way around your ego is to be willing to open your mind to new and different ideas, beliefs and points of view. When you are willing to open your mind in this way, you are truly free to reverse the curse.

Visit Pamela’s various self-help products at http://www.passagetoinnerjoy.com/Pamelas-Store.htm. In addition to presenting several workshops and classes, Pamela also offers private sessions via phone or in-person. Visit www.passagetoinnerjoy.com for more information.

So you’ve found the perfect person you want to commit to? Congratulations! You’ve won half the battle….now onto the remainder of your journey. Haven’t found them yet? No worries! The information I’m about to share will be priceless when the time comes (and it will!).

It’s important to set goals for your relationship if you want a happy, long lasting one with your partner. Unfortunately, not everyone knows the right goals to establish in order to “drive the relationship bus” to the desired destination of enduring bliss. In fact, many people go into a relationship without any real idea of what they are doing or where they want to be going. To help with this, I’ve listed 5 essential things that everyone who is in a relationship (or wants to be) should know – about themselves, about the other person and about the relationship. The beauty of these steps are that you needn’t know them before getting into a relationship. You can be married for years before you learn them – it doesn’t matter as long as you DO learn and subsequently apply the higher aspects of each one.

The 5 things you MUST KNOW as a means to a happy, enduring relationship are:

  1. Your relationship purpose. What is your purpose in being together? Believe me many people, if they are truly honest with themselves, will find they are looking to get some need(s) met. This is not healthy nor will it create a lasting bond. Your goal should be that your relationship purpose will embody mutual support, appreciative love, sharing of life and synergistic union. NOT to have your needs met.
  2. Your primary level of love. There are 3 levels of love within relationships. The first one is fear – which isn’t really a level of love at all. People who come together (one or both) in a relationship out of fear of being alone, fear of not being able to support themselves, etc. are doomed to failure. This is the least healthy level possible. The second level is ego based love. This level is still unhealthy as it is based upon illusions and false presumptions. The ego is insatiable which means that you will rarely – if ever find peace and contentment with “the way things are”. The ego always wants to find something wrong, not good enough, etc. and will always seek some sort of validation. The third level is soul based love. This is genuine and pure and is the highest level to attain. Soul based love comes from wholeness within one’s self – where a great sense of self-love, self-acceptance and self-approval is possessed. You are not looking to your partner for anything other than to share this love and companionship. Period.
  3. Your attitude towards giving. Do you give in order to get something in return? Do you always give to the other but never to yourself? Do you give to create a dependency? Or do you withhold out of fear of being taken advantage of? If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, you’ve got some work to do. Your attitude towards giving – and receiving – should be fluid, genuine and pleasurable – without any expectations.
  4. Your method of relating. This is where intimacy comes in. Are you a care-taker or controller with the other? If so, there is no intimacy at all. Otherwise, you may relate with emotional intimacy and/or spiritual intimacy – both of which should be your goals.
  5. Your definition of love. This can be tricky to determine but I have some common answers. Love can be defined as need (very bad), or as an act of will (ok but still not great) or as awe and appreciation of your partners’ uniqueness (excellent). Make that last one your goal.

Keeping your standards high for and within a relationship is what gets successful results. This shouldn’t be confused with keeping your standards high for your partner. There is a distinct difference in expecting your partner to be perfect in every way vs. working towards attaining the goal of an enduring, blissful union. Quite the contrary, your partner must be seen, loved, appreciated and cherished for who they are, as they are. So make sure you do that.

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”  ~ John Lennon

Fear can be debilitating but it isn’t always bad. It can actually propel you into making beneficial changes in your life. However, feeling excessive fear, the kind that continuously haunts you, can be crippling – to the point where you’re unable to function in everyday life. The good news is that this type of fear can be overcome.

First, let’s take a deeper look at what fear is.

Fear is a demanding feeling formed from a thought, belief and/or perception that you will not be safe and secure. Fear always has its root in the future, even if the thoughts, beliefs and perceptions come from past experiences. Fear is rooted in an expectation of something coming to pass and simultaneously NOT coming to pass. This expectation masks itself as a dire need – one of survival. Essentially, you deeply feel that you will not survive if this need is not met.

Sometimes it helps when you can release these thoughts, beliefs and perceptions that create these expectations. Unfortunately I have discovered that this doesn’t always work.

The reason this doesn’t work is that the fear must receive something very important before it can go away – and what it needs isn’t what you think. Fear isn’t looking for solid proof of safety and security. Fear is looking for love. Love is what it REALLY needs underneath it all.

Why am I talking as though fear is a separate entity? Because it is! Fear is something you can have, that’s true – but fear isn’t of you. When you experience fear as separate from you, you’ll be able to give it what it REALLY needs. And when you do that, my friend, you have pretty much eliminated your fear all together.

So now that you are more aware of what fear is, how do you apply this knowledge in order to overcome it? By following these steps:

 

  1. Bring to mind the person or situation that you fear. Try to simplify the situation into a few words such as “not having enough money”.
  2. Notice where the fear is showing up in your body.
  3. Give this fear a shape and a color. Any will do.
  4. As you see the shape and color, notice how it becomes separate from you.
  5. Ask that shape and color what it really needs. Give yourself plenty of time for the answer to come. It may come just as “love” or it may come in a more specific version of love such as “acceptance”, “approval” etc. Don’t discount the answer you receive.
  6. Send that shape and color unconditional love. Unconditional love is free from judgment and criticism and blankets all specific versions of love.
  7. As you send unconditional love, notice the compassion you begin to feel for this shape and color.
  8. Notice how the shape and color of this fear changes as it is filled with unconditional love and compassion.
  9. Allow the new shape and color to grow and embrace you, becoming a part of you and healing you.

 

Follow these steps whenever you are faced with feeling fear and soon you’ll find that it simply has no power over you. And it doesn’t….ever.

In addition to leading powerful, transformative workshops, Pamela privately mentors clients one on one to help them eliminate fear so they may achieve their goals and dreams. To find out more about Pamela and her services, please visit http://www.PassageToInnerJoy.com

 

Losing a loved one – whether it’s through separation, divorce or death – is never easy. It is painful, sometimes so painful that it may feel much better to push the pain away rather than facing it head on. Unfortunately, that only prolongs the pain and allows it to manifest in much more harmful ways in your body, mind and spirit. You end up giving your power away to the pain, which keeps you in a self-defeating cycle of depression and anxiety.

Choosing instead to face the pain will ensure that you are free from this type of harm – and it will allow for the healing process to finally begin. However, choosing this course will take courage, patience and support. If you can muster the courage, be willing to be patient and seek the support you need perhaps in the form of counseling or maybe support group, you have all the necessary pieces in place for your heart to begin to heal.

Once you lay the groundwork for your healing process, you may try some of these suggestions to raise your emotional, psychological and spiritual understanding of loss:

Allow your grief to surface. Know first that allowing yourself to be present with your feelings is not only safe for you but is a necessary part of life. We are meant to experience many different emotions – both good and bad. These emotional ranges are like exercise for our heart and therefore, all emotions are good for us. Keep that in mind.

Let go of your beliefs about loss. Many people have deep beliefs about loss in general that will gravely affect their healing process. It doesn’t matter if you know what beliefs you have or not, just be willing to let them go and allow room for what is true about loss to surface in your awareness.

Allow love to flow. Whether this is your love for another or their love for you, love is always flowing – even if that person is no longer in your life.** Love is like the air you breathe, it is always present regardless of what you may think. Fighting love is like holding your breath. You’re hurting yourself by not allowing it to be. All attempts at stopping love are futile anyway so you may as well go with the flow. It’s good for your heart and it’s good for you. Trust that.

As with any healing process, it’s important to emphasize the need for detachment from your ego. Until you learn to trust in your heart and in love, your ego will occasionally sabotage your efforts to heal. As a general rule, thoughts that make you feel less than or better than are indicative of your ego’s presence and will keep you out of the flow of healing. The more attention you give to love, the better off you are.

Choosing the face the pain and begin the healing process is the biggest step you can take. Once you do, you are halfway there. And if you choose not to “go there” just yet, that’s okay too. Don’t rush the process; it will happen when you are ready.

 

**As an intuitive counselor and medium, I have experienced the truth that even when relationships end and/or loved ones have passed, love itself never dies. Love itself exists everywhere, always. In the case of relationships ending, it’s the intentional focus of the energy of attention, companionship, etc. that ends – not the love. In the case of loved ones who have passed, the directional focus of energy is still as strong as it was when they were alive…sometimes even stronger.

“All suffering is caused either by an attachment to a positive outcome or an avoidance of a negative one. “  ~ Jafree Oswald 

There are many individual patterns that can interfere with our capability to truly let go of a partner.  With the exception of genuine psychological/mental disorders, I have come to the conclusion that these patterns merely represent our unconscious need for learning how to let go.  Think about it, have you ever actually been taught how to let go?  Most people haven’t except for a few witnessed examples of others’ processes of letting go – which, unfortunately weren’t always helpful.  

So how do you let go?  Well you must first start with a willingness to do so.  Sounds simple enough, right?  Well believe it or not many people genuinely are not willing.  They want to hold on for dear life –and in most cases this is born from fear. In other cases, they may do so because they like the drama, attention or power that holding on gives them.   In the first instance, being willing to let go means they must face their fears of change in their life.  In the second instance, being willing to let go means they will actually change themselves (by changing their behaviors and who they identify themselves as).   

So what do you do once you are willing to let go?   Remove any personal blocks to your success.  I have compiled a list of the most common blocks (or patterns) are where you may get stuck: 

1)      Misunderstanding of Love.  Many, when asked why they can’t let go, have responded “because I love her! (or him)”.  If that’s been your answer, you’ve got something to learn about love.  Love isn’t possessiveness and it doesn’t promise you your marriage or relationship will be forever.  Love is free and it just…well….is.  Love exists everywhere all the time.  So, you can’t own love.  You can only give and receive love by letting it move through you.  Love is always present, whether you know it or not.  There is no lack of love – it’s just our beliefs, perceptions and misunderstanding that there is a lack.  Understand that you will always love that person (even when you hate them) and you will love others too.  Over time in your separation, your love for them will simply start drifting from your awareness as your “love attention” starts to go elsewhere. 

2)      Your Ego.  Your ego (or alter-ego as I like to refer to it) is that evil side of you which puts you in alternating states of fear, worthlessness or grandiosity – all wrapped up in juicy drama.  In these states, you are living an illusion.  None of them are real. Ever.  Yes, it’s true you may feel these things but they don’t reflect reality.  You aren’t better or worse than anyone else, nor are you in danger.  Think about it.  Thinking about it will help you overcome it.

3)      Emotional Misunderstanding.  This is parallel to your ego.  Whatever emotion you are experiencing from your separation, it’s important to understand that they are just emotions and do not reflect reality.  Sure, you may feel a sense of loss but in truth, you didn’t lose anything because you never owned it.  Important side note:  In dealing with your emotions, you must be careful not to seek rescuing.  Nobody – especially your ex – has the power to make you feel better.  Only you do.  So be sure that you aren’t looking to anyone to emotionally rescue you.  Search instead for a leader/teacher/counselor who will serve to empower you by showing you how to properly navigate your emotions.

4)      Lack Of Trust.   This is the ultimate in letting go and often at the root of peoples’ issues.   I am not referring here to a lack of trusting another person.  I am referring here to a lack of trusting in life.  Sure, you may have your reasons for not trusting in life.   “Bad” things may have happened to you in the past – maybe even horrific ones.  But every day is a gift – the gift of a fresh, new day in which awesome and amazing things can happen.  And with this gift comes another gift of choice to trust that life is good and that life is on your side. Even if it appears to be taking you in a direction you don’t want to go.  By trusting life, you will trust that going in that direction is what’s best for you in the long run.  So know that you can choose to let go of the past and trust in life to take you to where you will truly be happy and joyful.  Or you can choose to hold on and not trust, and remain stuck in your suffering.  It’s up to you. 

Above all, please know that when working on your letting go process, it’s best to find time to return to laughter, humor and light- heartedness whenever you can.  The letting go process can feel heavy and as much as you may not want it to, feel dramatic.  Try to catch yourself when you get too serious about it all and give yourself a good dose of humor.  Laugh at yourself and the situation once in a while.  It will give you a better perspective and help you feel much lighter (and less dramatic) about it all.